Who Wants to be “Normal” Anyway?

Figure Foodie

My daughter keeps saying I’m weird. (A recent poll showed that ten out of ten eight year olds do know everything. Of course, it was eight year olds that were polled.) I keep telling her there is no such thing as normal; everyone has their quirks. But no, she insists I’m weird. Compared to the other moms she knows, I guess I am.

I’m into working out and eating clean. I compete in Figure and love doing it. So…I’m not into decorating the house, finding that right fabric or piece of furniture, etc.

Being in a state where I am perpetually at the gym or on my way from the gym, I don’t usually look “pressed” if you know what I mean. My hair’s a mess, I rushed through my makeup if I have any at all, and I may smell a bit.

It might be my imagination, but I feel like an outcast among the stay-at-home mom crowd. So maybe I am weird. But what’s so good about being normal anyway?

Here are some things that have actually happened to me as part of my clean eating lifestyle. Can you identify with them?

You know you are into eating clean when:

• You swear you must have a bladder the size of a pea. Drinking a gallon of water a day can be challenging. Not so much the part about getting it all in, but getting it all out! You are either on your way to the bathroom, on your way out, or “holding it.” You curse traffic only because you’re in a hurry to get to the nearest bathroom. Or, worse yet, you get pulled over for driving through a bike lane for 10 feet to get to the bathroom in your local Target only to be chastised by the holier-than-thou police officer that you are setting a bad example for the kids in the back seat. Wouldn’t it be a worse example for them to see Mommy pee her pants???
• You have to explain about how much fish or chicken you are buying at the Grocery Store. “No, I am not having a party… there’s a sale so I am buying all of what the store has. What do I do with it all? I buy in bulk and cook in bulk so I always have lean protein on hand.” The cashier looks at you with a blank expression, exhales, and moves on.
• You are at a restaurant and it takes you five minutes of discussion with your waiter to order. “How’s that prepared? Is that farm-raised or wild-caught fish? Is it marinated? Can I get it grilled or steamed instead? Hold the potatoes/pasta/sauce and I’d like that without added salt or oil.” Meanwhile your non-clean-eating spouse is rolling his eyes or you have to kick him awake for his turn to order.
• You go to a stadium event (or go see a movie) where outside food is strongly discouraged and you sneak in a clean snack or meal. Security at the stadium goes through your over-sized handbag, and while they are unfazed by seeing low-cal sweetener packets, salad dressing, and spice blends, they harass you for bringing in the forbidden “outside food.” You get in a long discussion with the head of security about why you have to bring it in. “If you anything remotely healthy in there for me to eat, I wouldn’t bring it in, but I am not eating that—pardon my language—crap in there. Trust me: my husband will support your food vendors enough for both of us.” You say this as you smile, bat your eyelashes, and adjust your cleavage. The manager then tells you to go on ahead while he looks the other way on this one.

Here are some extreme examples from being a competitive athlete. You know you are on a competition prep diet when:

• You go to a restaurant and bring your own food. “I am sorry Mr. Waiter, I am on a competitive diet for an athletic event and I’ve got to eat what is in my cooler.” It’s a little awkward at first but then once you’ve been to the same restaurant a few times, they stop asking you for your order and only pay attention to the rest of your party.
• You go to a typical family restaurant, such as Chili’s or Olive Garden, and order an egg white omelet. “I know this isn’t on your menu but… oh, and can you make it with only just a smidgen of Pam and NO cheese… please.” And, if they won’t do it, you leave to find a restaurant that will. Come on, they all have eggs back there, how hard can it be?
• You go on a long trip and checked your cooler as luggage. It contains your clean food for the week: chicken, fish, rice, veggies, rolled oats, and frozen liquid egg whites to keep it all cool. You’ve figured out that with the liquid container rules for carry-on airplanes, they will still let you bring your chicken breast and rice with you as long as it fits into your quart-sized Ziploc bag.
• You have shamelessly licked your plate clean of all remnants of the food that must have been there a minute ago and wonder where did it go???
• You chew gum… A LOT… two pieces at a time. You get in serious discussions with other people about which is the best brand and flavor. By the way, Orbit Sweet Mint is the by far the best flavor ever.

Here’s the best one. You know you have been dieting too hard or been on a competitive diet too long when:

• Your competition is over and you can eat!!! So you have some cake and eat it in your car with your fingers—you forgot the utensils and don’t even care anymore—and you think the cake it is better than the big O. You moan loudly when eating it. So loudly that passersby smile and wonder what the heck is going on in that car. Then they notice you are alone, jump to the conclusion that you are enjoying yourself alone (if you know what I mean!), and quickly walk away to avoid a really awkward moment. (This really did happen to me.)

If you can identify with any of these, welcome to the world of clean eating! What else can I say? You have to love it!

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